The Gospel According to Reiko
1 In the morning was the Alarm Clock, and the Alarm Clock was with Reiko, and Reiko heard the Alarm Clock. 2 The same was in the beginning with Reiko. 3 Reiko was late, and without Reiko was not anything awake that was awake. 4 In her was exhaustion, and the exhaustion was the cause of the tardiness.
5 And the Alarm Clock shineth in darknesse, and the darknesse comprehended it not. 6 There was a sound sent from God, which was a buzzing. 7 The same came for a witnesse, to beare witnesse to the time, that Reiko through it might be awakened. 8 It was not that time, but was sent to beare witnesse to that time. 9 That was the true time, which did cause Reiko to come into her senses. 10 It displayed the time, but the time was not made by it, and the time knew it not. 11 It came vnto Reiko, and Reiko received it not. 12 But as Reiko did eventually awaken, to her it gaue the power to rise from bed and become clean, clothed, and fed, all within a quarter hour. 13 Which were dismissed, not all of them, nor even most of them, nor even two of them, but onely the showering. 14 And the time was made known, and Reiko dwelt among her dresser drawers (and she beheld its glory, the glory as of the ancient walnut of which it was made) full of grace and trueth.
15 The Alarm clock bare witnesse of her, and she cried, saying, Ã¢Â€ÂœThis is the thing of which I spake, that this drawer is empty of underwear, that I cannot make my meeting without, for without them I cannot leave the house. 16 And of my fulnesse haue I done my laundry, but where is it now? 17 For the Law was giuen by Common Decency, but grace and trueth came by wearing undergarments. 18 No man hath yet seene me de-underweared in public: and as I live, no man shall this day!Ã¢Â€Â
19 And this is the record of Reiko, when she was late for work, and did have onely fifteen minutes in which shower, dress, eat breakfast, and leave her abode. 20 And she did decide to skip the shower, not being smelly or particulary dirty, but move forward with the donning of clothes. 21 And she asked her floor, Ã¢Â€ÂœWhere art my underclothes? They be not in the drawer, so art my undergarments on thee, my floor?Ã¢Â€Â 22 Then she did get down vnto her hands and knees and searched the floor, turning over piles of paperback bookes and notebookes and all manner of clothes, both dirty and cleane. 23 She said, Ã¢Â€ÂœI cannot find any underwear on this floor: I must turn my vision to other areas.Ã¢Â€Â 24 And she did turn her eyes to the rest of her room, specifically to her desk, which was covered, like her floor, with notebooks and paperbacks and clothes. 25 And she, not finding any underwear on the floor, did search her desk, and said vnto it, Ã¢Â€ÂœIf I do not find what I am searching for on thee, if vpon thou I do not seek out any panties, where then shall I look?Ã¢Â€Â 26 The floor did not answer her, and so she searched on her own, turning her eyes to the furniture that did occupy the remainder of her room, 27 that being occupied by a desk, given her by her mother’s mother, and a multitude of windows and doors. 28 It was here on the desk that Reiko did at last find that which she had been searching for, on the left corner of that desk, underneath a stack of half-filled notebooks, where she had been writing.
29 The next moment, Reiko seeth her way back to the dresser, and openeth one of the drawers thereof, and saith, Ã¢Â€ÂœBehold all of my pants, which are all neatly folded and arranged in this drawer. 30 This is what I have feared more greatly even than the drawer being empty: for I am horrible at making decisions. 31 And I know not which pair to wear: but that I desirest to please those with whom I am meeting, therefore am I made to choose the pair that makes me look best.Ã¢Â€Â 32 And Reiko stood before the pants drawer saying, Ã¢Â€ÂœI shall empty out this drawer, never to fill it again this morning. 33 And I shall send all these pants onto the floor, to be lined up in like manner before me, wherevpon I shall choose from among them the best pair.Ã¢Â€Â 34 And so she did, pacing in front of them as a lion before the pride thereof. 35 After a long time, holding pants to her waist before the mirror, and yet unable to decide, Reiko gathereth all of her pants into a single pile and closeth her eyes. 36 Spinning around in two full circles, Reiko reacheth out her hand and did wear the very first pair with which her hands came into contact.
37 Thus Reiko put on the pants and was half dressed. 38 Then Reiko turned, looking back at the dresser, and saith vnto it, Ã¢Â€ÂœI seeke a bra, that I might clothe my upper body. 40 I did not find anything in the proper drawer, nor did I find any bras on my floor, nor on my desk, therefore the other drawers of the dresser are the onely places to seeke.Ã¢Â€Â 41 She first searcheth the bottom drawer, then the rest of the drawers, saying vnto each of them, Ã¢Â€ÂœI haue not found a bra in ye: be gone.Ã¢Â€Â 42 And thus she came to search the top drawer, beside the empty underwear drawer. This drawer contained pajamas, and also one bra.
43 In the moments following, Reiko would goe foorth into the kitchen, & findeth the granola bar box lacking. 44 Now Reiko was of clever heritage, and did not fail to honor her ancestors here either. 45 Reiko findeth a zip lock baggy, and into it she poured Cheerios, however overzealously, spilling Cheerios about her countertops and floor. 46 And Reiko said vnto the floor, Ã¢Â€ÂœCan there any good thing come out of this morn?Ã¢Â€Â Reiko did not think so. 47 Reiko saw her coat on the back of her dining room chair and grabeth it from its place, knocking over the chair. 48 Reiko heardest this, and sayeth vnto herself, Ã¢Â€ÂœThis too I shall ignore,Ã¢Â€Â and she continued to her front entrance. 49 In the front hall, Reiko reacheth into a white ceramic dish that was perched on her table, set there to hold keyes and coins and suchlike. 50 Reiko did pluck out of this dish her keyes and, then heading for the front door, was struck by another thought, and she saith vnto herself, Ã¢Â€ÂœMy car is ten years old, and not worthy to be relied vpon in times such as these.Ã¢Â€Â 51 Then Reiko did reach back vnto the dish, and she did not reach back far enough, and as her hand ascended, the dish descended from the table vnto the floor wherevpon it smasheth into hundreds of small pieces, verily, neuer to be repaired.